Self-Compassion: Why to Try It and How to Do It

Sometimes things in life just don’t go the way you want them to go.  Things happen like not doing well on a test or missing the winning shot in a ball game.  In those moments, how you treat yourself can be a good way to build resilience for those harder times in life that happen.

As humans, we are generally much harder on ourselves than we are on others.  We beat ourselves up when we think we should have done better, or known better.  We judge ourselves much more harshly than we judge others for the mistakes we make.  Judging yourself so harshly can lead to negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and your situations which can increase feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression and increase low self-esteem and decrease self-confidence.  This can lead to feeling like you can’t handle situations, so you stop trying.  Maybe you stop speaking up in class, or you don’t try out for soccer because you’re afraid of making a mistake.

However, treating yourself with compassion rather than beating yourself up can benefit your mental health in many ways.  Self-compassion has three main components, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.  When you treat yourself with the same grace and kindness that you might treat a friend, you can realize that you are also worthy of compassion.  This can decrease stress, anxiety, depression, and fear of failure.  Self-compassion can build your resiliency, and feelings of happiness, strength, and motivation.  It can help you understand that mistakes are a part of being human which can also help you understand that you’re not alone.  Practicing self-compassion can also help you practice being mindful of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.  Noticing how you talk to yourself and how that affects how you feel and what you do is one of the first steps of learning how to change those things.  Self-compassion can also make you more likely to try again and try harder after a failure which can help to improve your performance and feel better about yourself overall.

Here are four ways to begin practicing self-compassion.  It can be helpful to begin practicing in moments of calm to build the skills to use when you really need them.

1. Self-compassion Mantra

Develop ahead of time an easy to remember word or phrase expressing self-kindness and compassion rather than self-criticism to tell yourself in moments when you are struggling.

2. Daily self-compassion break-

Think of a situation that’s causing stress or anxiety.  Notice and acknowledge how you’re feeling about it and what you are telling yourself in the moment.  Remind yourself that life gets hard sometimes, and we all make mistakes, and that is part of being human.  Next say to yourself in words that are meaningful to you, “May I be kind to myself in this moment,” or “May I forgive myself,” or “May I accept myself as I am.”

3. Journaling

Notice and write down self-critical words or phrases you often tell yourself.  Think about a time when a friend may have struggled with the same thoughts and feelings.  Ask yourself what you said to your friend in that situation.  Is it different from what you are saying to yourself?  Ask yourself what fears or worries are leading you to treat yourself differently.  Write down how you could treat yourself with more kindness in the same situation.

4. Write a Letter of Self-compassion

Think of something about yourself that you want to change or causes feelings of shame, insecurity, or unworthiness. Reflect on how it makes you feel and write it down.  Write a letter to yourself from yourself expressing compassion, understanding, and acceptance about this part of yourself.  Think and write about what you would say to a friend in the same situation.  Think and write about nobody being perfect, and everyone making mistakes and has things about themselves that they want to change.  Think and write about how life events, your family and friends have shaped that part of yourself.  Ask yourself and write what positive ways you can begin to make change to better cope with those thoughts and feelings to help you feel happier and healthier.  After writing the letter, put it away for a few days, and then come back to read it when you need a boost of self-compassion.

Practicing self-compassion is a healthier way of dealing with setbacks and can lead to decreased feelings of stress, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It can improve self-confidence, and motivation and your sense of overall physical and mental well-being.  With time and practice, the three main components of self-compassion, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, can help promote feelings of reassurance, comfort, and personal growth.