Moving Towards Healing: Making Amends in Recovery

Making amends is a crucial yet often challenging step in the recovery process. It involves not only acknowledging the harm caused by past actions but also taking concrete steps to repair relationships and rebuild trust. This act of reconciliation goes beyond a simple apology; it’s about demonstrating a genuine commitment to change and healing, both for oneself and for those affected.

What are amends and how are they different from apologies?

Making amends is the process of taking responsibility for one’s wrongdoings and actively working to repair the harm caused by these actions. Making amends is more than “I’m sorry.” It involves acknowledging the hurt or damage done, seeking forgiveness, and, where possible, making things right.

“In addiction recovery there is a lot of trial and error to figure out what works for each person,” says Ellyn Lowry, Clinical Coordinator at Centerstone. “Consequently, it is not uncommon for people in recovery to relapse a time or two before achieving lasting change.” During this time, if the person with the addiction is repeatedly apologizing for their behaviors but they keep happening, eventually those apologies hold less weight to those on the receiving end.

When should amends be made?

In a traditional 12-step recovery process, making amends is Step 9 because, typically, a lot of work has to be done before getting to the point where it is appropriate to make amends.Waiting to make amends can also help yield the best outcome. “It’s best when someone starts demonstrating longstanding behavioral changes before they attempt to make amends,” adds Lowry. While it can be tempting to want to make amends right away in the recovery journey, it is best to wait and build a foundation for progress first.

What steps does one have to take to make amends?

There is a three-step process to making amends:

Step 1. Take responsibility through admitting the hurt and pain that was caused by your addiction. At times, this requires being specific in the actions done.

Step 2. Be willing to ask what can be done to make things right.

Step 3. Let them know all the things you’re actively doing to try to prevent these behaviors from happening again.

What is the best way to initiate making amends with someone?

Lowry suggests calling the person or writing a letter to ask if they would be willing to meet up for a cup of coffee or a meal, and to go from there. If the person you want to make amends with is unreachable, deceased, or the amends would cause more harm, you may decide to create a “living amends” which essentially means committing to not engage in behaviors that you know caused hurt for this person.

How is making amends beneficial in recovery?

Going through the process of making amends can help promote hope and give people motivation to continue working on their recovery journey.Owning up to wrongdoings and making an honest effort to fix them and rebuild relationships can help heal feelings of shame and guilt that correspond with that. Human connection with loved ones and supports helps us build self-worth and give purpose. And while it is important to be able to find these things internally and not solely externally, it is still a key component in recovery.

What challenges can arise in the process of making amends?

One common challenge is being willing to accept the consequences of your actions. You should also keep in mind that not everyone may forgive you or accept your attempt to make amends and if they do, it may not happen right away. The other person may have a lot to say to you which can sometimes be hard to hear, but again, this is something to anticipate. Arguably the biggest challenge in making amends is learning to accept it if the other person denies your amends or doesn’t want to talk at all.

What if your attempt to make amends is denied?

It’s important to remember the purpose of the amends and that even if someone won’t accept them or hear you out, you did your part and still had the willingness to be in this vulnerable position. “You should feel pride in what you have accomplished in just doing that,” adds Lowry, “You did everything that you could to amend those wrongs.”

Making amends is a vital part of the recovery journey, offering a path to healing and growth. By taking responsibility for past actions and working to repair relationships, you can build a stronger foundation for lasting sobriety and personal transformation. Addiction can happen to anyone, but so can recovery. If you need additional support in your recovery journey, Centerstone can help. Call us at 877-HOPE123 (1-877-467-3123) or visit our addiction services page to learn more.