Navigating relationships and marital conflict can often be complex; In 2025 it is still estimated that about 40% of first marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. Discernment counseling is a specialized form of therapy designed for couples on the brink of divorce, particularly when partners have differing levels of commitment. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes both parties are equally motivated to work on the relationship, discernment counseling acknowledges the ambivalence. For those in mixed-agenda marriages – where one partner is leaning out (leaning toward divorce) while the other is leaning in (yearning to preserve the relationship), discernment counseling offers a structured, short-term approach to navigate this uncertainty. Developed by Dr. William Doherty, this therapeutic process aims to help couples gain clarity and confidence in their next steps, whether that means reconciliation, separation/divorce, or maintaining the status quo. Research suggests that this represents approximately 10% of couples.

Discernment counseling is a short-term process typically involving 1-5 sessions following the initial assessment, with the goal of helping couples decide on one of three paths: staying together, a mutual decision to end the relationship, or committing to couples therapy to repair and strengthen the relationship.

What you can expect in the process of discernment counseling:

-Explaining purpose/process of discernment counseling; to help couple gain clarity and confidence in deciding the next step for their relationship.

-Ground rules are set, emphasizing respect, honesty, and focus on self-reflection vs. blame.

-Each partner shares perspective on relationship and what they hope to gain from the process.

-Prepare couple for individual conversations (approx. 45 minutes each).

During these one-on-one segments, the counselor explores:

-The individual’s feelings about the relationship including hopes, fears, and doubts.

-Their personal contributions to the relationship’s challenges (e.g., behaviors, patterns, or choices).

-Their level of commitment to staying in or leaving the relationship.

-Key moments in the relationship’s history (e.g., when things changed, betrayals, or unmet needs).

The counselor remains neutral, avoiding taking sides, and helps each partner reflect on their role and desires without pushing for reconciliation or separation. The “leaning out” partner (the one considering leaving) is often encouraged to explore their ambivalence, while the “leaning in” partner is supported in understanding their partner’s perspective and their own contributions to issues.