Gift of Grace: What is You Treated Yourself Like You Treat Others?

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Embracing the Radical Act of Self-Love
Welcome to Brain Health Besties, a Human Ford podcast for those of us who want to feel better but don't know where to start.
I'm Bailey, a licensed professional counselor.
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Speaker 2
And I'm NIA, a qualified mental health professional.
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Speaker 3
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Speaker 2
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Speaker 1
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Hey besties, welcome to this Learning Together episode.
Today we are talking about The Gift of Grace and this is the third segment of our four part series on navigating the holidays and all that comes with it.
We're really focusing on how we show up for ourselves and how oftentimes many of us can show compassion, a kind word, a thoughtful moment with others and frequently forget to do that for ourselves.
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And navigating how we can internally help ourselves and support ourselves through this holiday season.
So to get into this, I think one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves in this moment is as non judgmentally and honestly as possible.
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Ask yourselves how we are doing.
So using that self-assessment on that zero to five scale, 0 completely calm, 5 maybe struggling to function or crisis mode.
Where are we all landing today?
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Speaker 3
I think I'm probably a 1.5.
It's come down a little bit since we've been in the studio, but yeah, it's been a, it's been a week, so just a tiny bit more heightened than I usually AM.
2:07
Speaker 2
I think I might have won, which is probably pretty normal for me I guess, but I'm feeling a little more calm around it with some things coming up both in the studio and outside of the studio.
So about 1:00 today.
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Speaker 1
Yeah, I would put myself at like a 2 1/2 in this moment.
I was a little bit higher earlier, but kind of settling into my skin a little bit and I'm feeling a bit more grounded.
So I would 2 1/2 is about where I am right in this moment.
2:36
Speaker 3
All right y'all, this one is timely and maybe a little hard for some of us to hear.
As we were were reflecting on this episode and getting ready to jump into the studio, we came across a quote that the gift of grace is a radical act of treating yourself like someone you love and besties.
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We all three of us had this very physical, visceral reaction when we first read that, and not in a bad way or a negative way, but just in a way of who that is hitting a little close to home.
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Speaker 1
Yeah.
Well, and we had touched on this a little bit when we had Leslie Smith on for this podcast.
And I think for me it hit a little bit differently with the context of the holidays, because it can be I can put a lot of pressure and a lot of expectations on myself, and it can be really hard to give myself the grace that I'm often gifting to other people.
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Speaker 3
And I think the big question, I'm just going to dive right in.
Why is it so much easier to offer grace to other people than it is to offer grace to ourselves?
Personal reflection, scientific data, whatever you have in your pockets.
4:04
Why Self-Compassion Feels So Difficult
Well, and I think it does take all of that, right?
Because there's just so much that can go into this topic.
This is another topic that's just really, really huge.
I think when I think of grace, I most often think about second chances, but second chances without that guilt.
4:21
And why couldn't I have done it better?
But just being able to gosh, I guess it's, I guess it's give yourself some self love.
Just like the quote that shall be shall be shall be brought up and then be able to move on from that.
4:36
I think that quote hit me, but differently because this feels like it's all over the place.
You know, it feels like this.
It's a lot of the people that we get to support people that are own staff.
We get to support people in the community.
We get to support people that that we don't even know or get to talk to sometimes.
4:52
And on this podcast, you know, we won't get to meet a lot of the people, a lot of our besties, we won't get to meet meet them.
But I think this idea of grace is hard because for me, if it's my opinion, it would come from being able to love ourselves that much that we are able to say, you know what?
5:11
That didn't go like I planned.
And I can try again.
I can try again.
Yeah, I can apologize.
I can move on.
I can look at it a different way.
I can ask for help.
I can't.
You know, there's a lot of a lot of things that can get go into it, but it's a huge, huge topic.
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Speaker 1
And, and Doctor Kristin Neff is sort of the kind of at the forefront of self compassion research and science right now.
I love her work and we'll get into some nuances of some of her work here in a little bit.
But hearing you talk about that, NIA kind of fired this question for me.
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How do you all respond to yourselves when you are struggling or in a moment where you may be deserving some grace, but what is the reality?
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Speaker 3
Yeah, it's really hard for me because I had this realization again when we were going over this episode, that to give myself grace, I have to 1st admit that I didn't meet my expectation or my project or whatever I was going to do.
6:13
And that's really, really hard for me.
Like failure is not not an easy emotion for me to sit in.
That's the one I hit the eject button on.
But the way I respond to that a lot of times is I don't it is so much easier to turn it outward than it is to do the work, the internal work to to talk to myself.
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And so in those moments, I really lean into caring for other people and doing just other things instead of, instead of leaning in.
And it's almost therapeutic in a way.
It, it gives me something tangible that I can do for somebody else and that helps me feel better.
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But I know that's not that's not really responding to what's happening internally.
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Speaker 1
And so I relate so hard to that.
And I often times when I think about this self love or self talk, right, I think about the people that I know that they get the negative self talk in their head and they're sort of internally beating themselves up and saying like, I can't believe I did this.
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How am I, I'm so dumb or I should I messed up?
I can't yes.
And I've never been that person that has that internal dialogue.
However, I do ignore her, which when I think about like when my kiddos mess up, when somebody I love and care deeply, my friend, my best friend, my spouse, when they mess up, I don't ignore them.
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And I do that to myself all the time.
I'm like, well, I'm just going to act like that didn't exist and you don't exist and we'll move on and I'll pour into others.
And so I don't know that that is the most loving, kind way to show up for myself either, so.
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Speaker 3
And we, we work in this field, we do this every day.
And I, I used to work in a youth residential with teenage girls, which they are the case study and talking negatively to themselves.
And I, I would never, I can't, I can't tell you how many times I said, would you ever treat your best friend like that?
8:18
Would you ever say that to somebody you love?
And the answer is always no.
But I have never again done the internal work to be like, oh wow, I should probably listen to myself and treat treat her a little more kindly.
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Speaker 1
My therapist is telling me that all the time.
She's like, I wonder who else needs to hear that message?
I'm like, always like, oh, yeah, I know.
8:41
Research Shows Grace Boosts Your Best
Well, and the cool thing is I mentioned Doctor Kristin Neff.
She actually did a research study on with NCAA athletes and the cool thing is these were athletes from various different sports in both female and male sports.
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And what they did is they did a pre assessment both from the athletes themselves and the coaches about the athletes performance.
And then the athletes would engage in some kind of performance, whether that be a game or practice.
And the they, the experiment had them do some internal dialogue.
9:17
Some of them were really hard on themselves and some of them were given affirmation or positive things to say.
Maybe it wasn't even, it's not always even positive, but things validating things like I'm a human that makes mistakes instead of why am I always messing up?
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Yes, yes, sort of those reality things, right?
And so they did this periodically and then they came back and surveyed the athletes and the coaches again.
And what they found was for the athletes who gave themself grace or gave themselves positive affirmations, they, the athletes themselves reported their performance improving and then their coaches also reported that the athletes performance improved.
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Like we think.
And I don't know if y'all know anything about NCAA athletes or college athletes in general.
They are some of the most critical and most hard on themselves because they're performing at such a high level and it's there's so much riding on what they're doing.
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And we tend to believe as humans that the only way to get better or to improve is to be really, really hard on ourselves.
And that's not really the case.
At least research is leaning that way.
And that doesn't mean, like, giving us an out and being, like, well, it doesn't matter.
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But it means being gentle with ourselves and being saying, like, yeah, that did not go the way I was hoping.
And that's part of being human.
And if I, I can do this better next time or if I just tweak this thing, or how can I show up for myself in a better way that actually improves our performance.
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So I, I think about these things like the, the, how we're talking to ourselves.
And usually when I ignore that part of myself, when I ignore the the part of me that is struggling, she doesn't get better.
She doesn't get more present, she doesn't get more intentional.
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It's usually just gets louder because I've been ignoring her.
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Speaker 2
Or at the OR at a time you wish it wasn't right, it comes out and snippiness or it comes out and avoiding things.
But I think I also think about how that we again, we get to kind of start again, right?
11:36
These are things that we're going to be practicing on.
I hope, you know, I'm still practicing on a lot of stuff.
There's there's still so much stuff that I want to do.
But by being able to gosh, I guess it's by being able to find find a way to again, attend to yourself.
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Because it doesn't mean after we put something down and move past, it doesn't mean we don't care about it, right?
That just doesn't mean anything to us.
Instead, it means that we we love ourselves enough to be able to say, OK, yeah.
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Speaker 1
Let's.
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Speaker 2
Move on with these things in place.
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Speaker 3
Well, and loving ourselves to say me too.
It's not me first.
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Speaker 2
Yes, yes.
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Speaker 3
But me too, I'm caring for all these other people.
I can also care for myself.
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Letting Go of Unrealistic Seasonal Expectations
And I want to pull back just a little bit because sometimes loving ourselves feels unobtainable.
Sometimes that feels too far out.
And which is kind of why using that third person can be more helpful.
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Would I talk to my kiddo this way?
Would I talk to my spouse or my best friend this way can be helpful to because maybe we're not feeling particularly loving towards ourselves and that can be our reality sometimes.
But giving, being able to kind of step out of ourselves a little bit so that we can try to start giving ourselves some grace and understanding and care and space, really.
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Speaker 3
And that can be really hard in the context of the holidays because we have all these expectations, we have expectations from other people, we have societal expectations.
And so it can be a really difficult season where all of those things are amplified and.
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Speaker 1
It's really easy to feel like you are not enough this time of year.
And it can be, I feel like I'm not doing enough, feel like I'm not arriving enough, not showing up enough, not showing up how I want to enough.
And I think like you said it that can be super amplified the during the holiday season in particular.
13:44
Speaker 3
Something I've been doing this year is because the holidays look a little bit different than they have in years past.
And things are hard right now across the world.
And it's just, it's a lot right now.
But I've been reflecting on, especially during the holiday, like joyful or useful moments from my past to make things to help with the expectations a little bit, right?
14:09
It's so easy to be like, I want these Christmas cookies to look perfect and they have to be beautiful.
And if they are not beautiful and perfect and Pinterest worthy, then they are not good enough.
But when I reflect back on like baking Christmas cookies with my parents or my grandparents, I don't remember if the cookies were good.
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They probably weren't.
They probably tasted really good, but they weren't pretty.
But I remember the way I felt when I was with my family and things like having a flower fight with my brother and then having to clean it up because my grandma made sure we were cleaning things up.
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But like, those are the things that I've I remember.
And so that helps me ease back on some of the expectations of perfection because this is it.
This is a real hard truth sometimes to hear.
But perceived expectations aren't always the truth.
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Speaker 1
So.
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Speaker 3
Like what I think other people are expecting is it may not align with what I what I think.
15:09
Speaker 1
Or what what we were expecting of ourselves sometimes too.
I.
15:14
Speaker 3
Yeah, I, yeah, I that's, this is a 2 Fer actually, at holiday dinners, I am in charge of desserts.
And I will spend months researching these fancy desserts and how to make sure that they fit all the dietary needs and all the things and make sure they're like these magical things, right.
15:34
But the, the reality is, my family is fine if I bring the same chocolate cake to every family dinner.
They they just want something sweet at the end of the meal.
They like that.
And so I'm putting these expectations because I convinced myself that they expect something magical and amazing and new.
15:53
And so I expect I put that on myself when the reality is like I could make a box cake mix and they would not say a word about.
16:01
Speaker 1
It well, and I cause same and I like where does that come from?
Because I think about my Nana and I think about or my my nanny, which was my dad's mom or the the folks, my mom, they brought the same thing to every holiday meal.
16:17
There was no variation and to the point where we had talked about like, if they didn't bring it, people are like, what happened, right?
But for some reason I'm like, oh, I'm going to find the most complicated chocolate peppermint cheesecake to make.
16:33
And I and, and it becomes stressful.
And I'm putting that expectation on myself.
Nobody else is expecting me to show up with this elaborate nonsensical thing, but I'm doing that to myself.
And when we were having this conversation, I also had, I used to do, I used to be really bad about doing this with birthdays.
16:53
This isn't holiday related, but when I was a new mom in the first like 3 years of my oldest daughter, I would go all out for birthdays like and I am a DIYRI love.
I'm creative.
I love creating like these big elaborate things and doing all the things myself.
17:12
I told myself it brought me joy.
There was a very hard moment, and I think it was my daughter's third birthday, where my partner came to me and said, hey, do you think you would be able to let some of this go?
And at first I was like, what?
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Like what do you mean?
What do you mean let something go?
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Speaker 2
What do you mean this is?
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Speaker 1
For our daughter, Yeah.
And he was like, well, maybe, do you have to make the cake?
Could we buy the cake?
And I was like, why would we do that?
And he's like, if I'm being honest, you're kind of miserable to be around right now, which is also not a wonderful thing to hear.
17:50
Except it was the truth.
I was so stressed out with my own expectations about I will make the birthday invitations.
I will make the birthday decorations, I'll make the cake.
I'll plan the the the activities right that it would I was a bear to be around for the 2-3 weeks before a birthday party.
18:10
And he's like, can this isn't what I he's like, I know what you're trying to create and I don't, I think you being this stressed out about it is actually doing the opposite.
And that can be hard.
I luckily we have the kind of relationship where after being a little hurt for a few minutes or so, I could process that and, and be like, OK, yeah.
18:31
But I find myself getting the same places like with holiday prep or expectations or I I put these expectations on myself to be the same instead of saying like who do I want to be in this moment?
Like who do I want to show up as with my family, with my extended family, with my Co workers, with my friends.
18:50
And oftentimes that version of myself that is the full on DIY stress to the Max person is not who I want to be and is not creating what I'm hoping.
And then everybody, including me, feels hard.
It feels kind of miserable.
19:06
Speaker 3
When the reality is like letting some of that go can feel like you're not enough or not doing enough, which is something we hear across industries with people, is that they just don't feel like they're enough.
And some of that is societal pressure.
19:22
Finding Grace in Imperfection and New Ways
It's the pressure to at the holidays, I have to know how to cook and I have to be the best chef and I have to be able to bake pies and do all of the things.
And there are some things we can do.
Like if I'm not a Baker, it's OK to go get cookies from the store or to pick up a pie or whatever it is or have a potluck instead of making the entire meal yourself.
19:47
Especially if like there's financial worries or even time constraints.
I think we put all of this pressure on ourselves to make it perfect.
And a lot of times it's pressure on ourselves, by ourselves that if we.
Have to ask for help or we ask for somebody to bring something, it it means that we're not doing enough.
20:07
Speaker 1
And I think to think about that even further internally, to say to ourselves, it's OK that I don't have joy right now.
It's OK that I love my family and they are grading on my every last nerve.
It is completely human for me to really be struggling to be present in this situation.
20:28
It doesn't mean that we don't try to to be more present.
It just means like, of course I'm overstimulated.
There are 20 people stand sitting in a room yelling over each other.
It's it is a natural situation to be overstimulated in.
20:44
And I think it's it's that piece and instead of the ignoring that little voice and asset is saying, we need a break, please help.
Or saying like, oh, why get I I like my family.
Why can't I just be around my family and enjoy it?
21:00
Or I this is supposed to be a fun experience.
And it's not being able to say like, yeah, this is not enjoyable for me in this moment.
What can I do for myself?
And showing ourselves some some space in that.
21:16
And grace.
21:17
Speaker 2
I think we're still collecting memories.
We still get to collect memories, we still get to make new memories.
Maybe it's a new tradition, you know, maybe you did used to bake this chocolate mint pudding pop cake.
I don't know.
But maybe it turns into store bought cookies that are really delicious from wherever it is, right?
21:36
We get to make new memories.
We get to start again and try again.
And we hope that comes with some grace for ourselves as we're learning who we are and how we want to show.
21:45
Speaker 3
Up and just recognizing the humanity that we also possess.
I think it's so easy to recognize the humanity and others and that others are fallible and that things happen.
And like, I would never tell my best friend, wow, you really suck because you went and bought cookies instead of making them.
22:02
I would never, ever, ever dream of saying that.
But I internalize that and it just releasing some of that, even though it's hard, even though it maybe isn't what I want 100%, but just letting some of that go.
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It's hard work, but it's work that we deserve.
22:21
Speaker 1
Yeah, now more than ever, I think in a lot of different ways for.
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Speaker 3
Sure.
All right, besties.
Join us in the next episode where we walk through a loving kindness practice, speak to ourselves, and maybe a younger version of ourselves that really deserves it.
And until then, take care, besties.
22:41
Speaker 1
If you enjoyed this episode, like and subscribe to Brain Health Besties so you can find us in the future.
22:46
Speaker 2
And since sharing is kind, share us with your besties.
22:50
Speaker 3
If you have mental health or Wellness topics you'd like us to chat about, please reach out to Be Well at livebrightly.org.
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Speaker 2
Until next time, be well besties.