Why We Can’t Stop Replaying That Awkward Moment

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Hey besties, do you ever catch your mind replaying a conversation on loop or jumping five steps into the future before you've ever even taken a sip of
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your coffee? Maybe there's that one awkward moment in your brain that you just won't let go of. If you ever feel
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stuck or in a mental rerun and trapped in that worry spiral, you're definitely not alone. Today we are digging into
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something that so many of us wrestle with, rumination, worry, and that constant chatter of our inner voice.
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We'll talk about why our brains tend to replay those moments, predict disasters, and create loops that feel really convincing. And we'll explore what's
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happening in our brain and body during those spirals. Why that inner narrator, though sometimes well-intentioned, can
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also keep us stuck. The good news, there are gentle brainhealthy ways to interrupt these thought loops. These tools and practices help us soften the
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chatter instead of fighting it and speak to ourselves with a bit more compassion and spaciousness. Okay, y'all ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Okay, you all welcome to our episode on like mental chatter and all the the spiral and rumination stuff that happens. Before we get to the good stuff
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and the meat, this is also good stuff, but let's do our check-in. That moment for us to pause, maybe take a deep breath in, longer exhale out, and on
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that zero where we're calm and at peace, all the way up to five, where we're in crisis mode, let's see where we are in this very moment. Where are y'all placing yourselves today?
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I think I'm probably at a one or a 1.5, but that's probably because we have stuff coming up, right? always
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things on the calendar. But yeah, I think I'm right there. I think I'm going for a 1.5 as well.
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Same thing. We've just got busy days and um yeah, that's all there is to say about it, I guess. 1.5.
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Okay, I would I think I'm landing at a solid like oneish today. So, right right in that ballpark, too. All right, y'all.
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So, we are talking about this idea of rumination or spiraling thoughts. And that is the when we get a thought stuck
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in our head and we're re either replaying a conversation or an awkward moment or somebody's reaction and we just kind of get stuck in that and it's
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going over and over and over. Maybe it's a thought, maybe it's an image, maybe it's um what we said just kind of
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rolling around then in there. So, what I'm curious about is if either of you have ever if you could tell me about a time when you've had a moment where
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you're just like replaying that conversation or you're thinking through that thing you said over and over again.
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Yeah. Um, so mine's a work example and I did frequently get stuck on this one actually. So, probably last summer, the
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summer before, time really doesn't have a lot of meaning to me. In this particular phase of my life, um, we had a meeting with somebody and generally in
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our team, we show up in pairs or our full team since there's only three of us, but I had attended this meeting alone um, because of scheduling or
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whatever. And I said what I was supposed to say and the person's reaction was
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really vastly different than what I thought it was going to be or what I had expected. Um, and so I will, and it was
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shocking to my nervous system to say the least. Um, and so I every time I see this person or go into a meeting with this person, I will replay that
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conversation over and over and over in my head and think about the the ways that I could have communicated better or
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like if she had just done this or I I had done this or the other people had done this and I will just get stuck on that and just spiral for hours.
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Why do you think our brains do that?
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Like why why do we get stuck on those things? What happens?
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I don't know. Maybe it's the idea of gosh, maybe it's the idea of being able to look at it again. Like for me, that's
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what it kind of feels like is if we look at it again, then maybe we indeed do have something that we might we've practiced, I guess. So if there is
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another situation, maybe we don't have to feel all that angst, but maybe we will have something that we've given oursel time to be able to be like this,
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this, this, right? So you feel like you have a little bit more control over it.
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that yeah, control I think is I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I have a little bit of a control thing.
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Um, and so when things don't happen the way that they're supposed to happen or I think they're supposed to happen, um, I will stick on it and ruminate on that.
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But I also think some of it is safety.
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We've talked about our safety brain before um, and negativity bias before.
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And I think it is our brains just trying to protect us from having a negative experience again, even if it's done in
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not a great way. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I think about moments where I get stuck in that like rumination or spiral and I
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often don't realize it's happening until I'm like deep in it, right? In those situations for you all, what is
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happening like right before or are you even able to pinpoint like what's happening right before or right at the beginning of that spiral? Because always
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if we can be preventative, that is the ideal, right?
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Yeah. I think I've said this many times on this podcast is that I'm a pushthrough, right? So oftentimes for me
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the rumination, the spiral doesn't happen until I'm out of the situation, right? So it could
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be that night, it could be months later, it could be I caught myself this morning thinking about something that happened 3 years ago that my brain decided was
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really important to think about this morning. Um, so for me it is often not even related to the situation anymore,
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but it could be related to something that is happening in my current reality or something that's upcoming. My brain
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is like, "Oh, so you're going to do this thing, but remember that one time you did something sort of similar and you said this weird thing and people looked
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at you like you you didn't know what you were talking about." So think about that. So maybe for this one Yep.
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Definitely. Yeah. For me too, I think it's in that in that situation that's going to come up again. So, like like Shelby said, you know, for me, it probably doesn't I don't know. It could
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be months in between, you know, or weeks in between. Um, and then when it's time for the thing again, though, uhoh. Uhoh.
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There's some reminders, I guess. We'll call it reminders. There's reminders about the things that maybe didn't go as well that first time.
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Yeah. Well, and you both mentioned like the sense of safety or protection that our brains are trying to wrap us around in when this rumination stuff happens.
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And I don't know about for you, but oftent times the things that I'm ruminating or getting stuck in those thought loops on are moments where
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things were uncertain or unfamiliar or um maybe uncomfortable in some way.
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or what part of the story does your inner voice continue to circle back to when that rumination happens? Like if
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I'm thinking about for me often times it is I refocus on the things that I've said like I said this phrase in this way
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and what if that person took the the wrong way or it may even not be like the actual phrase itself like I said this
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weird thing but their reaction and then I'm like oh my gosh was that a I can't believe she said that. Was that a like that's a really silly way to say that.
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Is that a I'm completely offended and never want to talk to you again. like I will replay somebody's reaction like what are the spots that your brains get caught on.
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Yeah. Similarly, other people's reactions or their perceived reactions.
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It's it's not always even that somebody did something. It was oh I said something and they kind of like tensed their shoulders a little bit and maybe
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that was because I made them uncomfortable. Right. So I stick on that a lot and then I also stick on what could have been better. Yeah.
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Right. Yep. it what would have made me look like I knew more than I looked like I knew in that minute or what would have made me look like I was an expert in my field or whatever.
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My brain will get stuck on that and will give me like here are three different ways that you could have been better and you weren't
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and that's kind of how that's where I get stuck is that like you could have been better. That actually fires something for me because I typically
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link like rumination or this like spiral to with anxiety or when I'm feeling nervous. However, I also do that when I'm angry.
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Oh, yes.
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When I've had a conversation, I'm like, "Oh, I should have said this in that way or or I really would have got them if I said this." Yeah. So that that was just
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kind of a light bulb moment for me because I'm oftentimes linking this just when I'm anxious, but it also happens for me a lot when I'm feeling frustrated or in like a heated conversation.
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Yeah. And I don't think those are the only two times that I experience it. If um like I'm offering comfort to somebody or I'm celebrating somebody or whatever,
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I will often think back to that conversation and realize, oh, if I had said this or if id done this, I it would have been better for them.
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And I get stuck on again that oh you could have been better better thing.
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Yes. Similar to both of you it's it's when we're trying to do our best right certainly we are all caretakers but yeah caring for somebody
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gosh you want to make sure that they're they're they do feel cared for and if you think you've made a mistake in that ah that's that feels horrible. Um and I
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think I'm a person that gives myself a lot of grace but I still think through the things time and time again before I figure out
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what the solution is. you know, just our just our brains that are continually gosh, they're going all over the place.
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Well, and I think that's a really important point, Tunia, because this again, and we say this a lot in this these this podcast, but it's normal.
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Like the mental chatter completely normal. It is like a conver it's your brain using this the skill of language in your head to navigate a situation to
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make sense of it sometimes to think about the future and and what you would do differently. We also know that these
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spirals or the rumination can kind of happen in two different ways. Sometimes I'm spiraling about what has happened.
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That argument I had with my spouse with which if I had just said this one thing this way, then he totally would have seen my side and realized he's totally
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to blame, right? And it was not my fault at all, which is never the case. But in my head, that's what I'm doing. Or the
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other one is the whatifs. Where I tend to do the focusing on the past, but where do your brains tend to go? Do you
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spend more time in one place than the other?
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I think I probably spend more time in the past, but by no means does that mean I don't think about the future, too.
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Especially in places where um I think I've said this before, but and you guys know this about me, but just for our
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best sake, I really don't like feeling um like I'm not good enough or like I don't belong in a situation. And so when
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I'm going into like a big meeting with people that I know I have the information but maybe I am worried that
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I don't communicate it well enough, I will get stuck on those like and I block out time on my calendar specifically for this. um so that that I'm not like doing
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it during the meeting, but I will put time on my calendar half hour before the meeting or whatever to just think
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through like what am I going to say and if they say this, what am I going to say and how am I going to respond and how do I make sure that