Why Self-Care Isn’t Something You Buy

Welcome back to Be Well Besties, where we explore the science of well-being in ways that feel real, practical, and actually doable.
Have you ever felt like self-care has turned into something you have to buy or earn instead of something that you just get to experience?
Like everywhere you look, it is candles and skincare and another subscription, but you're still feeling a little overwhelmed and tired, or maybe a lot.
You're not alone. So many of us are asking what self-care actually looks like when life is full and our time is limited.
Today, we are talking about what it really means to care for ourselves, not through products, but through practices that truly support our nervous system, our identity, and our daily life.
Joining us for this conversation is Brittany McCready. She is our Illinois Director of Clinical Services for Centerstone.
Brittany brings both clinical expertise and grounded perspective as we unpack what self-care really is, why the most accessible forms are often the easiest to kind of push to the side,
and how we can begin to reconnect with care that is sustainable, restorative, and deeply, deeply human.
In this episode, we'll explore what it looks like to detach self-care from spending,
and how tending to multiple areas of wellness can shift not just how we feel, but actually how we live.
We are grateful to be here with you. Let's get in.
All right. As always, we're going to start with a very doable self-care practice, and that is our self-assessment.
So with a self-assessment, we invite that deep breath in, maybe a longer exhale out, and then as gently and non-judgmentally as possible,
asking ourselves how we're doing in this very moment and trying to put a number to that.
So zero being completely calm and at peace, all the way up to five where we're maybe in that crisis mode, struggling to function.
We'd love to see how you all are doing this morning, today.
Whatever time it is. I think I'm probably at a one, which is pretty close to my baseline.
Yeah. Brittany?
I'd say I'm approaching a three, I'd say. Yeah.
Today I felt that three creeping in.
Yeah, that happens for us a lot, right?
I am probably like a 0.75 currently.
And also, this hopefully is just a reminder that all humans are all over the place,
and our numbers change moment to moment, day to day, year to year,
just depending on what is happening and what we're experiencing and what we're feeling in a given second.
But this practice allows us and kind of really is that first step for beginning to assess what we might need
when it comes to our self-care and what those next steps might be.
Before we launch into all the nitty-gritty, the good stuff about self-care,
Brittany, we know you're a director of clinical services for the Illinois side of Centerstone.
However, we are far more than just what we do for a living, how we earn paychecks.
So one question we love asking guests is, who are you as a human being instead of a human doing?
I love that question, first of all.
I am a multi-passionate person who loves being outside and wrestling around being active with my three kiddos.
And I like to get creative and really love a good nap.
Oh, same.
Yes.
I do not get them nearly as often as I used to, but a good nap can completely change my day.
So I love that.
Thank you for sharing.
We really, I think sometimes, especially in our field, but just as humans in general,
we get really stuck in all the things that we do and identifying when somebody asks us,
hey, tell me about yourself.
It's usually our job title, what hobbies we have, which is not necessarily terrible,
but it's all the things we do instead of like, oh, I'm a person who thrives in nature,
or I'm a person who just loves to deep dive into a book.
And all of that matters too, because it shapes who we are and could be, fun little sneaky fact,
clues into what might our best self-care practices might be too.
I would really love to kind of dive in with this first question, kind of around self-care
and what was that first, because our world is so driven on what we're producing and what
we're doing and how productive we are.
What was that first realization, wake up call that for you, that self-care was absolutely
essential, that it was no longer this negotiable?
Yes.
So, you know, I have to rewind a little bit to my first introduction to what self-care
even was and just, you know, side story already.
We are here for the side stories.
Well, so I, my dad worked for an airline and so we had, you know, like free flights,
which was incredible, an incredible privilege growing up.
And so I'm pretty young, sitting on a plane next to my dad.
And I, I was really questioning and just not understanding the whole, you know, spiel that
the flight attendant was giving about, put your own mask on before assisting others.
And I turned to my dad and I'm like, oh, you would put my mask on first, right?
Of course you would.
And he's like, no, not at all.
Did you hear what they said?
You know, but then he did so great at talking me through that and helping me understand it
in a different way.
And so he said, okay, so what happens, right?
What happens if I put yours on and then, or what happens if I put mine on and then you
pass out?
I can pick you up.
I can get you to safety.
If you get hurt by flying debris, I can make sure that you're taken care of and give you
first aid.
But what happens if I put your mask on first and then I pass out?
He's like, how are you getting me off this plane?
You're going to pick me up.
I'm like 10 times your size.
And, you know, that helped give me some context at an early age and kind of like, oh, aha moment.
But of course, with all lessons, sometimes you just have to learn it the hard way.
And that's what it took is getting into college.
And I was someone who am, I'll say am, someone who is really talented at just taking on a lot
of things on my plate.
Just go ahead, bring it on.
Yes, I can do it.
But because you can doesn't mean you always should, I guess, or that you need to.
And so learned that lesson, like I said, the hard way in college when I was just stacking
things and stacking things and not taking care of myself and, you know, living off of
bananas and insure, basically.
And found myself in the emergency room with kidney stones and some different things going
on with my health.
And that was a really, really big wake up call.
I started making self-care part of, I mean, I literally made it part of my learning objectives
for my internship.
And so that then I had accountability with my clinical supervisor and my university supervisor
and other pieces like that.
And, you know, I started to notice its integration with our mental health and our physical health
and all the pieces of who we are when we're not taking care of ourselves and the outcome
and how much we suffer and struggle later when we're not doing those things that are needed.
I just fully appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing that.
And also, like my brain got stuck in the way that you phrased something.
You said, I am really successful, really talented, was your language.
I'm really talented at taking on a lot of things.
And I know that seems like nuance, but it's meaningful.
It's not I'm broken because I take on these things.
It's the world expects me to take on these things and I actually kind of do it well.
And maybe the part that is hard or the growth opportunity is saying no sometimes because same.
Like I am so talented at taking on all the things and maybe have some growth opportunities
and being like, I could take that, but I don't think I'm going to.
And I think that kind of puts that, that helps me wrap my brain around self-care a little bit differently
because it's a word that gets thrown around so often.
Like it is in media, it's all over social media.
We talk about it and we just kind of assume people know what self-care means.
But it's way, I think it's way different than oftentimes what's advertised.
Because a lot of times when I see self-care out in the world, it's the next best candle.
It's this skincare line.
It's this.
Face masks and bubble baths and all the things that we can buy.
Yeah.
So I'm wondering how you would specifically define self-care.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes to everything you said, first of all.
Yes, yes, and there's a little bit of a, there's a little bit of a like high horse.
I got on for a little while about that and then really had to just step back and recognize
that if those things bring you joy and they, they are things you look forward to and something
about buying a new candle lifts, lifts your attitude or is enjoyable for you.
Cool.
That's awesome.
Totally do that within reason.
Right.
But I would say that a lot of those things that are marketed to us are really fall more
in like that pampering type of area, which I would say is not the entirety of self-care.
It's more of a little teeny tiny little sliced subcategory of self-care.
And so if that's a little subcategory to me, there are three main big categories of self-care
and that would be preparatory maintenance and emergency or prefer to call it reactive self-care.
So preparatory self-care are those things like, you know, I, I know that I'm going to have a surgery soon.
So I make sure I have the, you know, the, the chair for the shower or, um, meals prepped or support available.
Those things that help me prepare for something that is coming up that might be challenging or, uh, might be out of the norm or throw me off, throw things off a little bit.
And then maintenance being those things, just like maintenance with a car or maintenance with a house or maintenance with anything else.
Those are the things that you need to take care of yourself so that we can continue on and do the things that we do in life.
Whether that's caring, you're caring for your family or caring for a loved one or doing your work, doing your job.
It takes some, some things being poured in for us to continue to put that out into the world.
And then that emergency or reactive self-care that's when either life threw you a curve ball, something you just didn't expect.
Or, um, maybe those maintenance things weren't getting done.
So just like a car, if I completely just stop getting the oil changed ever, it's going to cause some problems.
And then now the lights are blinking in the dash.
And so that's, that's sort of how I think of that reactive kind of self-care is like, Ooh, stuff's hit the fan or things are falling apart.
Um, or you're, you're in, you're in a five with that check-in that we did at the beginning.
Yeah.
You're in a five.
What do I need to do now in this exact moment to get me grounded and recentered and, and what I need?
I think that language is so helpful and Shelby, I want to give you a space too.
Yeah.
I love that you broke it up into the three different categories, because I think that gives us some grace around things.
Like maybe the self-care that I am doing isn't really hitting the mark, but maybe it's because I'm not doing the type of self-care that I need.
And maybe I need more of that maintenance self-care instead of the preparatory or, or vice versa.
So I love that you broke it down like that.
Yeah.
That, um, and I tend to be a person that can kind of be hard on myself when I'm not meeting marks.
Like if I've fallen out of routine thinking about that maintenance care or, um, when I'm living in a space where all of my self-care is reactive versus proactive or maintained.
I think about you had talked about your college experience when I was in grad school, I would have, it was habitual, like about halfway or close to the end of every semester.
I would have this completely like emotional deterioration moment where I had held it together and held it together and done just enough caring for myself to maintain.
And then it would be the one thing.
It would be the friend who didn't call.
It would be my partner saying something the wrong way.
It would be, I made a healthy meal or made a meal for myself and then it fell on the floor.
And it would just be like tears and uncontrollable sobbing or like this, this level of an intense emotion that did not match the final thing that kind of sent it over the edge.
Right.
And, um, just having those moments and then being like, why, how I know this happens.
Why am I doing, not doing things differently?
Why is my maintenance work not working?
Like, why am I not?
And it then became this, um, moral failing.
And what I'm hearing you say, maybe, maybe I'm reading it and projecting my own stuff is that it's not necessarily a moral failing.
Sometimes what, where we are and the self kind of self care that we're gifting ourselves is not quite matching the moment.
And that there are different categories that we can delve into when our maintenance isn't working or when we did all the prep and did all the self care to plan.
And it just wasn't enough because the situation is bigger than what, what we were prepared for.
That can absolutely happen and does happen.
And for most of us, like I said earlier, we don't often learn the lesson just one time comes back or, or things aren't what we expected.
Or maybe you learned some pieces your first year in college, that then your second year things were a little different or the stressors were different or yeah, the preparation looked different.
And if, if you view self care as only the pedicures and the bubble baths and the candles, that's going to be really, really hard to do any of the preparatory.
I don't know a single candle that has that kind of power to help me prepare for, uh, having a C-section with, and delivering a child.
I just don't know.
There are physical, there are mental, there are lack of sleep, there are all sorts of things that happen and a pedicure just doesn't, doesn't cut it.
Yeah.
Well, and that gets me into one of the questions I want to ask you about this idea that sometimes we are so emotionally exhausted that self care that truly supports us can feel like it's asking a lot.
Like when we are in those moments where everybody else or everything else is asking everything of us, that it can be too much.
And especially those free self care tasks can feel like things we might be avoiding because addressing something we actually need to face feels like too much.
It feels like, oh, this is, I would love to put a bandaid on this by, you know, taking a bath.
And that might help a little bit.
That might take us from that three to 2.75, right?
But we're avoiding maybe the bigger thing.
How do we know or how do we walk that line of right now is a bandaid moment.
I just need a bandaid versus this is something that I deserve to spend some more time and explore and get to the root cause.
Like how do we make those determinations so we're caring for ourselves in the best way.
Oh, you're just, you're getting right to it.
And I just love it.
I don't know.
You got my knees up.
I'm all nerdy about it.
Okay.
So sometimes because of the circumstances, a bandaid is what we can do.
Sometimes that that's what is required because of the situation.
What gets really tricky was when it's bandaid, bandaid, bandaid, bandaid, bandaid.
And then all the band-aids are just layered up like a two year old.
And falling off.
Yes.
And you don't want to take any of them off.
But really what is needed is to take the bandaid off, apply some maybe disinfectant or antibiotic and
like maybe even like wash and scrape the gunk out before we then can have some healing.
And the tough part is, again, it's not always going to be the right time or place to do that.
It's not always going to be the right time or place to do that deep level, next level self-care.
As a therapist, I'm cheering people on when we're ready for it.
But it does take a certain amount of bandwidth to get us there and to be in a place of readiness for it.
So I think looking at the readiness for it and the impact, you asked about when I have had this experience
where self-care is so necessary and I talked about college.
But of course, again, lesson comes up again once I became a parent.
Life really changed when I became a parent.
And a lot of things went on the back burner.
But when I really looked at the cost of what's the cost of me not taking care of myself,
that was really a big moment for me.
And so how is it impacting me not to take care of this?
How is it impacting my family, how I show up as a parent?
And then I had to really look at how does this connect with my values too?
So, yeah, I think there's definitely a deep question there about looking at...
It's a tough question, but a deep question to explore and look at is this avoidance?
Is this a band-aid because that's all that there's the capacity to do?
Or how can I do some of that deeper level self-care?
Yeah. Could you...
I think that is so nuanced and thinking through.
It's going to be uniquely different for all of us, I think.
I think that is where sometimes that prep work, right?
Or the preparatory self-care or maintenance self-care can be easy lean-in to.
Can you give us some examples of what some preparatory self-care might look like?
Each of the categories, what maintenance self-care might look like?
And then what that reactionary self-care might look like?
Yes, absolutely.
So for preparatory, if I know that there's a big change or project happening at work
and I look ahead all the time and I look ahead at that project, so maybe
CARF is coming or maybe there's a merger
or maybe I attended a conference that was out of town and these things are coming up.
So when possible, trying to look ahead at that and saying, okay, so when that conference I attended is
over, what would it be like to take that next day off of work and plan for PTO that next day?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What within, you know, before an audit or before a big project, is there something I can do
along the way or a task that I could reassign or delegate or get some extra support on?
I'm probably going to say get extra support a million times through here, but, you know,
is there something else that I could put on hold while I'm attending to this so I'm not so spread
across so many things?
So again, it takes a little bit of that thinking ahead, thinking forward, but trying to look at where
can we weave in what's needed before, after, or during the thing that's going to be happening.
Yeah.

Maintenance would be some of those things that we might take for granted or minimize
eating, eating nutritiously, drinking enough water. I have my water sitting right here and I'm probably
going to take a few drinks throughout, but.
Please do.
Yeah. Eating nutritionally, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep. Those are,
those are some of the basics, but it's also, I think about maintaining relationships and
connections to people who are important in your life. Are you in a job or a role that is supportive
for you, for your growth or a place that work that you find meaningful and is fulfilling in a different
way? And then the, oh, and then the emergency reactive thing. I think I probably don't have to
give quite as many examples because we're a little more used to that, but I think that also comes with
a range. So it could be, I'm at a five right now. I need to step outside.
I need to step outside and have five minutes to myself with some quiet and meditation and do some
mindfulness. Or it might be, I need someone to come over and sit with me for tonight. So kind of depending
on how intense the situation is or what degree of, you know, what level is going on there might depend
on what you need. But again, that's might look like grounding. It might look like breath work. It
might look like meditation, but in the moment to kind of get you, get you back centered, or it might look like
asking, asking for support. Yeah. I love that you've reframed self-care as not just like acts,
but it's value matching. It's maintaining relationships. It's those things that we don't
necessarily think about as caring for ourselves, even though they do support our brain health and
our whole health. What we talk about a lot is giving ourselves gold stars where the things, chances are
we're practicing self-care and just not chalking it up as self-care. So making sure that we're getting
our water, making sure we're getting our sleep, listening to music on our way home from work so
we can be in a different mind space. These are all things that are also self-care and we just don't,
we're just not giving ourselves credit. We deserve the credit. And what I'm also hearing Brittany say
is that these moments, these things, as far as the candles and the massages and the bubble baths,
so they're not bad. Keep doing those. And there are also other things that we can do intentionally
that add to the plate that don't necessarily have to feel like to-do tasks, but that can be both,
you know, premeditated. So we're preparing. That can be our maintenance things that we can lean into
without having to think as much and then having our go-to's when we are in that reactionary crisis,
high stress rating as well. And what we have for our besties and our follow-up episode here in our
practice is exactly that. A practice that you can take with you at any time. It can be used for both
maintenance as well as reaction in those high-intensity moments. And so for that follow-up practice,
which will be cyclical sighing, please join us for the next Be Well Moment episode where we'll walk
through that practice step-by-step and see if it's a good fit for you. Thank you so much and we'll see you next time, besties.
Bye.