Why Things Feel Harder When Life Loses Its Routine

Hey, besties. Welcome back. Have you ever noticed that everything feels just a little harder when your routine disappears? Maybe school's out, maybe your schedule's changed, or life just got a little messy. And suddenly, even simple things feel not so simple. That's because our brains love routine. It's like having a map for the day. And when that map goes missing, we can feel tired, overwhelmed, or just a little off.
But don't worry. You're not doing life wrong. You're just adjusting. Today, we're talking about why routines matter, why things can feel tougher without them, and some easy, gentle ways to help your brain and your body feel steady again, no matter what your age is.
And I'm so excited because we're joined by a special guest, Stephanie Duckworth, who brings both clinical expertise and real-life parenting insights to this conversation.
She's here to help us understand what's happening in our brains and how we can support ourselves and support our families through it.
So, take a deep breath, get comfy, and let's figure this out together.
Well, today we are here. We have an extra guest, and her name is Stephanie Duckworth.
And Stephanie, we always love to start our episode for our besties that just gives us a time to pause.
We get to ask ourselves, maybe for the first time today, or this week, or this month, how we really are.
And we do that by using a scale of zero all the way up to a five.
That zero means we're just feeling calm, cool, collected.
And all the way up to a five, where we may be really feeling like we need some extra support.
So, you're free to give us your number if you've thought about it.
How are you today, Stephanie?
I think I'm a two. I have some things going on, but I'm really excited. It's Friday.
Yes. Yay, Friday.
I feel that. I agree.
I think I would put myself at a one today.
I'm just kind of enjoying the podcasting experience today.
We were kind of silly earlier, and I love a good play moment.
So, I'm about a one.
I think I'm probably about a two as well.
A little higher than normal, but it's not bad things.
Yeah. And me too. I'm a two.
Again, a little higher than normal, but again, it's Friday, so that's good.
We're recording a podcast, meeting new people.
So, it's kind of that yes and, we say.
Some excitement and some just other stuff too.
So, thank you for sharing.
We have another big question, and that is just who you are, Stephanie.
As a human, we would love to hear from you, just however you'd like to introduce yourself to us today.
So, Stephanie, who are you? Who are you as a human?
So, I am a mom of two amazing kids.
They are older.
I have a 17-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son.
I am a wife of 25 years, a woman of faith.
And professionally, I'm a licensed clinical professional counselor.
I was a foster parent for a number of years and did foster parent training and have worked with youth and families for over 20 years.
Wow. That's amazing.
Thank you for sharing all that.
And in that lovely introduction, I know that's not even everything that you do, but I'm hearing some pieces.
I'm leaning towards the parenthood side that may really contribute to our conversation today on routines.
So, if you don't care, we'll just jump right in.
So, I think my first question really is about routine.
And do you think it is important for us to have?
And I wonder if you could speak both towards us as adults, but also towards those kids and the teenagers and even your adult children.
What are your thoughts on routines, Stephanie?
Absolutely. I think routines are so very important.
And especially for kids, having structure, having consistency, that predictability can help foster security for them.
And so, they really do thrive on structure and knowing what's expected and what's happening.
And so, that does change as we get a little older.
The routine for little kids is different than the routine we would try to set up for our teenagers.
And it's very normal for teenagers to push back on those routines that we try to set up for them to help them be successful.
But also for us as adults, routines can be very powerful and helpful and help prevent just the fatigue of all the decision-making that we have to make day-to-day.
And I believe that we have routines, even if they're not intentional routines, we have things that we do every day.
And so, sometimes having those intentional routines that really help set us up for the day for success can really help take off some of the stress and anxiety related to all of our day-to-day.
I really love that you said, even if it's not intentional, we have routines because I'm a person that kind of balks against the word routine just because it feels like it's trying to cage me in and I want to be free, which is totally opposite of my personality, by the way.
I'm a very grounded, routine-oriented person.
And even if I don't think so, like I get up at the same time, I walk my dog, I eat breakfast, like it's all the same.
And when that doesn't happen, I notice it.
Well, it just makes me laugh because when Stephanie was talking about sometimes our kids or teenagers might push up against routine, I'm like, I might push up against routine a little bit too, even when I'm like, I should start a routine.
And then I'm like, why did I start this stupid routine?
So, yes, I can also relate to that.
And I think something that is interesting is an old idea that I used to have.
And as I'm getting older, it's kind of shifting and changing.
I'm a very creative, very novel-seeking person.
I used to think that routines were kind of the death of creativity and novel experience.
I mean, the death of the novel experience.
However, what I am learning as I get older and hopefully wiser is that routine actually creates some space for me to be more open to novel experiences or gives me more cognitive freedom to engage in creativity.
So I'm curious, like, kind of what your thoughts are on the decision fatigue you were speaking about or that cognitive overload that we can get into when we don't have routine.
Absolutely.
I think that we have so many decisions that we have to make every day, whether that's in our job or as a parent or just, you know, what kind of eggs are you going to buy at the grocery store when there are 5 million different options?
And so it's really easy to feel like there are 5 million decisions every single day.
And so routine can really help minimize some of those decisions.
You know, I know some people who are really good at the meal prep on Sundays.
And so they know the menu, the shopping list, all of it for the whole week.
And so, you know, when it's Wednesday at 6, they're not like, well, what are we having for dinner?
I know some people that, you know, they get up first thing in the morning, they're exercising.
And that's part of their routine because they know that that helps elevate their mood.
It makes them feel healthier and awake and good to go to start the day.
And so having that routine of knowing when I get up, this is when I'm going to exercise can help take that decision away of, oh, well, I need to exercise.
Well, that can be tomorrow. And then, you know, tomorrow it's, oh, that can be tomorrow.
And so it really helps for us to just not have to make those specific decisions, make it automated, make it to where you don't have to think about it.
It's something, you know, that makes you feel better. It makes your day go better.
And often those in your household, it can make their day go better, too.
Yeah, I love that. Make it automated. Anything that will take more decisions off of my plate, I am all for.
Well, I love your exercise example because I happen to have an exercise routine.
And when I'm thinking about it, when we're preparing for this conversation, that is where my whole routine starts.
I'm out of bed at 4 a.m. at the gym, have to drive to the gym for a five o'clock class.
And I find myself missing it, one, if I don't have it.
But I also find the other pieces in my day don't always fit together as well.
Just like you said, Stephanie, if I had skipped that workout in the morning, I'd want to fit it in.
And then I'd try kind of to fit it in.
And then maybe I will do it in the next three days.
So I wonder if you can talk about if you've ever had times that you were off routine or maybe some of the children that you support,
what were some things that you were seeing were happening with them?
Sure, absolutely.
I find that age can impact this quite a bit, but not necessarily.
And so younger kids, you often can tell if they did not get their nap time.
They can be cranky.
They can whine and cry and not do well.
Or let's say they didn't eat at their normal time.
And I do believe hanger is a real thing.
And so I think that there definitely can be signs of the routine is out of whack, that they're not getting what they need.
I know myself, if I do not sleep well and get the sleep that I need, my day does not run as smoothly.
And I feel like my brain does not work as well.
And so for our kids and our teenagers, they're still growing and developing and having good sleep is so important.
And so you definitely can see signs when the routine has gone to the wayside.
Absolutely.
I have a real life example from this morning.
I decided to sleep in an extra 10 minutes, which 10 minutes doesn't seem like a lot.
I have a dog, a cranky old man of a hound dog.
And he decided he is also very routine oriented.
He decided that because I was 10 minutes late, he was going to use a bathroom inside, which means out of spite, no health issues.
It was just purely spite.
And so I had to clean that up.
And then my routine was off.
And then I was late leaving.
And so I couldn't get my coffee.
But I went to get my coffee anyway because I knew I needed it.
So I was like getting to work this morning.
And the rest of the day has just felt a little out of whack.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and like kind of that argument for, yes, routine and also not having not letting things be so rigid that there's there.
We're not flexible.
À la Trooper.
Yeah.
Troop's not very flexible.
He is not very flexible.
So we know that routines can get off, right?
We've talked about a few things.
And sometimes I think that it's really good to say out loud that having that little bit of wiggle room.
But I wonder if you have some tips.
So maybe there is somebody who really hasn't had a routine before, or they've had it, but they've set it down.
What are some tips that you might have for somebody who wants to start one?
I think the first thing is to have grace for yourself.
You know, a new routine can start tomorrow.
It can start today.
And so you don't have to beat yourself up and just be like, oh, well, eventually, or wait for January 1st, right? That's a really common thing. A routine can start at any time.
And so I think that, you know, thinking of it like a reset, you know, when I was young and I used to play on my Sega Genesis, that dates me a little bit, you know, if I didn't do what I meant to, I would just hit the reset button and start over.
And there's a lot of freedom in that for us as adults, too, that some things you can just hit reset and tomorrow is a brand new day.
And so I think that, you know, when we start a new routine, you don't have to add 27 things to your routine.
Sometimes adding something small, like, you know, I'm going to take 10 minutes, sit out on my front porch and just enjoy nature before I start my day and kind of center myself.
Or, you know, I'm going to start with a 15-minute walk in the morning before I start my day.
I think that little things can be very powerful.
And so, you know, if you had a plan for a 15-minute walk and you were only able to get in 10, do the 10.
Don't be like, oh, well, I can't do the full 15, so it's out the window.
And so have grace and flexibility for yourself.
Don't beat yourself up, but just reset.
Hit that reset button.
Gosh, I love one of my favorite things the team knows is grace.
And thank you for saying that, because grace is that second chance and the third chance and the fourth chance if you need it.
So by having grace, gosh, because you talked about sometimes the routine can be overwhelming.
I love the advice.
You don't have to have a 27-step routine, but maybe we're giving ourselves that gold star for the things we already do.
We already do get up in the morning.
We already do go to work.
We already do, I'm sure, maybe if we have pets, we play with those pets or we take them around.
So thank you for that.
I love that idea of, I guess, that the routine can be individual.
I guess it looks different for our children than it could for us.
Because I suspect my routine could change from day to day, depending on, oh, we had a work trip.
That's what it was.
We had a work trip.
And I will say, I actually have a nutritionist that I talk to.
So one of the things for me that was important to kind of hopefully still keep in my routine is the nutrition.
And it was great to be able to talk to her because we were able to brainstorm some ideas that I could still bring little pieces of nutrition.
So for me, that would be starting my day, hopefully almost as the same as I did at home.
And that just seemed really helpful.
Yeah.
I think the piece you said, Stephanie, about this is the part sometimes where the rigidity and routine kind of get me caught is I'm like, well, I can't get a 30 minute exercise in.
Or I would really love to get back in a meditation practice, but I don't have 10 minutes.
And so I'm like, well, I just won't do it.
Or this one day, I don't have the 30 minutes, so I just won't do a workout.
And stopping and kind of reframing that a little bit, it's like, okay, I don't have the 30 minutes today.
But for the sake of maintaining a routine, I'm going to do 10 minutes.
Or I'm going to do a two-minute mindfulness practice just to kind of hold that space.
Because then it's, for me personally, it becomes sort of a waterfall effect where it's like, I already didn't do it yesterday.
I won't do it today.
Or like, oh, I really have to restart that routine now instead of it being like a hold on to what I can.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
Or if I do miss that mindfulness practice or miss that workout routine for one day, that mindset of, I can try again tomorrow.
It doesn't mean it's all or nothing, which kind of tends to be how I function when it comes to routine.
I'm either all in or I'm like, I'm just free living.
It's fine type thing.
Well, and I think that can be a really powerful thing for us to model for our children too, right?
That it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Like, we're trying to do our best and we have a goal and we're not always going to meet that goal and that's okay.
And so I think, especially now we see in our culture, I'm hearing from teachers, a lot of kids are really struggling with failing.
And I don't mean getting an F, but just in general, not getting it perfect the first time and not knowing how to handle that.
And so I think for us as leaders and for us as parents, showing that I may not meet my goal every day, but I'm still trying.
I'm trying to get in what I can and that is progress and that is success.
Oh, I love that.
Will you say that one more time, that last little part about the progress?
Sorry, I'm putting you on the spot.
No, that's okay.
I think that we don't always meet our goal, but we're always working towards it.
And even if it's just a little bit that day working towards it, that's progress and progress is success.
Okay.
Thank you.
I love that.
I think the kitschy thing is progress, not perfection, but that is, it's so true because I'm also, I really struggle with failing.
I see it as a moral failure when I don't do something well, even the first time I do it.
And so I, I tend to be a person that if I say I'm going to do this routine, but then I don't do the routine, I add this shame and guilt.
And why, why were you not good enough to do that routine?
And you're just, you're just being so silly.
And why are you not?
And now I will never, ever do a routine again.
I will never do a routine again.
Yeah.
So I love, again, the concept of grace and the concept of like, it doesn't have to be perfect.
We're just, we're all just humans.
We're just trying to do the best we can.
I love that.
I think all of these, again, with grace, what I love so much, but I wonder, Stephanie, too, you had mentioned the fact that you had the opportunity to foster some kids too.
When we were preparing this conversation, I wondered if routine was something that really came into play in your household, especially during the time that maybe you had some of the foster kids.
And do you care to share anything about that?
Yeah, absolutely.
I think that it was challenging because you have kids come into your home who may have had a very different routine than you.
And so we always try to explain how our family does things and why and ease them into that routine and not expect them to just fall into it automatically, because that is a pretty drastic change for some of those kids.
And especially with some of the structure, because we typically had teenagers.
My husband and I love that population.
I love the mouthy teenagers.
I know that sounds funny, but I like to have a dialogue.
Yeah.
Yeah, and so, you know, that's a point of time that they really are pushing against structure.
And so helping them understand that, you know, it's not personal, that this is how things are done in our family and how we do things.
And that if we go outside of that structure, there can be consequences.
And so, and consistency is just so important when you're working with discipline and working with kids and structure and following through with the things that you say you're going to do.
And so I think the biggest lesson in all of that is, like you mentioned, everyone's different.
Their routine may look different.
And so what are things that we can be flexible about with that routine?
So, for example, I'm a morning person.
I know that not everybody is a morning person.
And my firstborn, when he was young, needed a good 10 minutes to wake up before he could interact with anyone.
And it took us a little bit of time to figure that out.
It took a few rough mornings for me to be like, you know what?
Isaiah does better if I give him that 10 minutes and he's fully awake and then I engage.
And I think that helped save us a lot of rough mornings once I figured that out.
And so really trying to adjust and see what are those little things that we can still stay within our routine and do the things we need to do, but make it as successful as it can be.
Yeah, also on my mind, along those lines, too, are families with divided households.
If we have two different parents in two different households, what are your best tips and tricks for parents who are trying to co-parent, where one routine is one way at one house and then it switches routine in the other?
What advice would you have for folks who are navigating that situation?
Co-parenting is very challenging, for sure.
And so I think that we try to set aside our differences and keep things as similar as we can, especially the important things.
But I also know that sometimes who we co-parent with does not always agree with that or follow that advice.
And so it can be hard the first few days when kids come back and they've been out of their routine.
And so the best advice that I can give parents co-parenting is really do try to stick to the big things, right?
Not everything is going to be the same, but hopefully we're agreeing on some important things and working together.
And if you are the co-parent that your counterpart is not doing the things and you don't have control over that, and that is very frustrating and I understand that, doing your best to just bring them back in line.
Don't say negative things about the other parent, even though that's very tempting.
We don't want to do that because your child's identity is also tied to that other parent.
And when they hear those hard things about mom or dad, that impacts how they feel about themselves.
And so we just want to be really careful what we say around those kids.
And if they're like, well, dad lets me do this and you just say, and I understand that.
But when we're here, this is how we need to do things and I need you to respect that decision.
And so those can be hard conversations.
It can be hard not complaining and throwing people under the bus because sometimes we very much feel like we are in the right and we may be.
But we really do need to protect those kids from those conversations.
And having that grace for the transition period back, I used to work in a residential with teenage girls and I love teenage girls, but they are sometimes hard.
And we would work a week on and then the opposite week had different house parents, basically.
And even though we did the same routines, we did the same wake ups, we did the same meal times.
It took a good three days as we switched for the kiddos to settle back in.
And once we realized that, we're like, oh, OK, so we're going to have a little bit more grace on Mondays and Tuesdays because the kids are like.
It's a whole different world, even though it's the same thing, it's somebody else, it's different and they just need a little bit of time to adjust.
Well, Stephanie, thank you so much.
As we close up, is there anything else that you think you'd like to share with our whole all of our besties?
Anything else about routine?
Yeah, I think that parenting is one of the most rewarding, but also difficult jobs in the world.
And so I'm a firm believer that you're giving your kids for a reason and you were picked to be their parent for a reason.
And so you're going to mess up sometimes.
Routines are not always going to go the way that they should.
And that's OK.
You know, be able to forgive yourself and start over.
And it's a very rewarding, exciting, wonderful thing to be a parent.
And so, you know, God bless you and keep doing the good work.
Keep up the good fight.
Thank you, Stephanie, for all your warmth and all of your expertise.
As we wrap up today, I just want to remind you, if life feels a little harder when your routine shifts, you're not alone and you're not doing anything wrong.
Our brains and our bodies are simply asking for a little more support, a little more steadiness and a lot of grace.
And before we go, I want to say a huge thank you to our incredible guest, Stephanie Duckworth.
Stephanie, we are so grateful for your wisdom, your clinical insight and your real honest perspective as parents.
You helped us understand not just what's happening, but how we can show up for ourselves and for the kids in our lives.
And that is such a gift.
Thank you, besties.
See you next time.
We'll see you next time.