Why Self-Compassion Isn’t “Letting Yourself Off the Hook

Hey, Besties. Have you ever worried that if you're too kind to yourself, you'll just stop trying? Welcome back to Be Well Besties, the place where we get honest about what actually happens in our brains and what helps our nervous systems thrive. Today, we're digging into a really common belief that self-compassion means lowering your standards, avoiding accountability, and letting yourself off the hook.
So many of us think being hard on ourselves is the only way to improve,
even when it leaves us burned out, anxious, or stuck.
Today, we're joined by Ben Dolowich, a psychology doctoral intern
who helps us break down what self-compassion really is
and what it definitely isn't,
especially when it comes to growth, responsibility, and change.
If you've ever thought,
man, if I'm not hard on myself, I'll never do better,
this one's for you.
Let's reframe what growth really looks like without that inner bully.
All right, friends.
So before we jump in, let's go ahead and do our usual self check-in.
And Ben, just as a reminder, and a reminder to our besties, we use a zero to five scale,
where zero is that calm and at peace, and five is maybe crisis mode where we're deserving of a
little extra care.
How are we doing today?
All right.
I am like a 1.25, I think.
I'm feeling a little silly and goofy and playful,
which is always kind of a fun place to be.
So, yeah, right in my norm,
but just kind of goofy and silly at the same time.
Love that.
Ben?
I am at probably a 1.
A little pre-podcast jitters, you know?
Yes.
But I love coming to this building.
Like it's just such a nice aesthetic and I find it very relaxing.
So not a zero, but no higher than a one.
That's good.
I hope you took advantage of the massage chairs while you were here.
Oh, I did.
That should help things too.
I think I'm at a 1.5, which is a little bit down, came down a little bit from earlier.
And again, just a lot of stuff going on in the day and exciting things, but also just a lot.
Yeah.
I think I'm also kind of in the 1.52-ish range, riding the roller coaster of all the emotions.
But yeah, I think I'm doing pretty good, doing pretty good.
Ben, before we jump in, tell us about you.
Tell us what you do, who you are,
and most importantly, who you are as a human.
So I am Ben.
I am Intern Ben, so I am-
Intern Ben!
Woo-hoo!
Over here at Centerstone, I do therapy for all ages,
for as many presentations as scheduling allows.
and I do psychological evaluations.
So I'll test for ADHD, test for autism,
test for personality, test for whatever it is under the sun.
And I come here and I try to help y'all
with what you do for the community,
which is I think some of the most rewarding stuff
that I could do with y'all, with this organization.
That's great.
Ben, we are lucky enough to have Ben as our intern.
So Ben, tell us all the great things about Be Well.
No.
I was like, how long is this podcast going to be?
These are, yes.
Delivery was on point there, Shelby.
That's why we invited you.
That's why we invited you.
No, but really, you are wrapping up one of the most intense schooling expeditions that you could go on.
You're earning your PhD.
And I'm so curious to learn how that has gone for you.
And the topic that we're talking about today is really self-compassion.
So how has self-compassion played into your journey through the school system, through grad school?
And are there any opportunities where you look back and you're like, oh, I could have been a little kinder to myself during that time?
Yeah, I mean, the degree is a slow burner.
So I've been in school, graduate school for the last six years.
And that's on top of four years of undergrad where I was pre-med for most of it.
So also very high intensity.
I think self-compassion was the lesson.
It was definitely something that I did not have for myself from an academic standpoint
for a lot of the early stages of my educational career.
And, you know, as the expectations sort of rose and responsibilities grew bigger,
like getting into real clinical work, that's something I had to learn how to do.
There are absolutely times that I look back on where I felt I wasn't very nice to myself.
And I think those times still come up as the pressure or intensity of the situation
changes because we have a pretty dynamic and busy job. So I think the interesting part of
of my own journey was not looking at kindness to myself as the end goal necessarily, but as a skill
that I apply in tougher situations. Well, in such an interesting dichotomy or space to live where
it's school, so you're literally being evaluated. And then it does not feel like a natural space
to be like, oh, I bombed that paper.
Maybe I should be kind to myself.
That doesn't feel super intuitive.
And so what a cool way that your intentionality in this
kind of mind frame around it being a practice and a skill is just
I wish I had had that much insight when I was in grad school
because I was totally like, I just got to survive these three years.
It took a lot of panic to get there for me.
So yeah.
So we have talked about negative self-talk and the opposite of that, more positive and affirmative self-talk in a different episode.
I'd really like to frame self-compassion in a little bit of a different light because I think you're right.
It's a skill and more so it's an act of self-compassion.
So it's not necessarily like only speaking kindly to ourselves, which is part of it.
But it's also giving ourselves permission to take a break if we need it, or permission to try again, or permission to do all the things.
So I'm really interested in how you kind of flex that self-compassion muscle.
Yeah, I would say that it's intuitive to speak nicely to yourself.
But the real commitment to self-compassion that I had to sort of adopt as I became more serious about applying it to myself is the routine of it.
So it's not just being kind to myself and maybe some tougher moments where I don't think I had the best session or I think I said the wrong thing to someone.
But it's also like, so what video games am I going to play when I get home?
And when I get home, I'm going to really play that video game for two hours.
Like it's going to be the best video game playing of the day.
You know, if I know that I'm going to treat myself to like a good meal, that's like, you know, fast food.
Like I'm going to really enjoy that burger.
Yeah.
And it's like, you know, it's the boring small things that are the most fruitful when it comes to self-compassion.
Well, and those are the things that really fuel our bodies and our brains and our souls, right?
It's not, we talk a lot about how self-care isn't just PTO, which PTO is great, but it's also the little everyday things that you do to get to PTO.
And so that your day-to-day is better, right?
So I love that you brought up the small acts.
I also like, it also makes me think too,
because I was looking at the definition of compassion
before this episode as well.
And it literally comes, the Latin root word
comes from suffering together, like to suffer together.
And so I think when we think compassion,
we think about it with others.
And it is the ability,
it is the ability to understand somebody's suffering
or be able to suffer with them
and then this desire to help.
and then but for some reason I think sometimes that gets lost and when we think about self
compassion it is that well I don't deserve to suffer or or not even that really but more a
I don't deserve to not suffer yes yes I think where does that come from why is it so ingrained
in our society or internally or our family systems like why is it so ingrained that
I have to suffer to be better or I have to be hard on myself to be better because if I'm not,
then I'm not going to grow. Where does that come from? If I'm suffering, I'm not strong
or not doing it right, which like we know part of being human is suffering. So how,
yeah, like where does that come from? Well, when we talk about kind of that self-compassion,
I think it kind of goes into self-care. Like you're talking about those video games you're
looking forward to and actually nourishing your body with food. But I know sometimes when we say
just the word self-care, people are like, ah, selfish, that's too selfish. So it's something
about not being able to give ourselves that little bit of grace maybe, or thinking that someone's
going to think negatively of us if we are taking care of ourselves. Maybe? I think we are so
ingrained with hustle culture that the suffering is the piece that people brag about. It's a badge.
It's like you're talking to somebody in the break room and you say, I'm so tired.
And they say, oh, I only got an hour of sleep last night.
I'm so, so tired.
And it's almost this competition that is just so silly.
So, so silly.
And saying all these things, there is this kind of concept that floating around, at least
in my brain, that if you allow yourself to be self-compassionate, you're lowering the
bar.
You're being lazy.
You're not doing the things that you're supposed to be because you're taking the time to be
kind to yourself.
What would you say to somebody, me, that experiences that?
Self-compassion is insight.
Self-compassion is being mindful of what reality is and not just focusing on the bad.
The way our brains are wired, we're always supposed to find the bad because that's how you survive.
That negativity bias.
Yeah.
Like if there's two bushes and one of them has poisoned blueberries, we're going to, the more salient perception is going to be, oh, that's a bad bush rather than, oh, that's a good bush.
Like one is just more.
The other one's a good bush.
Yeah, we remember the bad bush.
So self-compassion is understanding that we don't live in the world of like bad and good blueberry bushes.
Like we live in a very dynamic day where a lot of stuff happens.
And if you only listen to the side of your brain that points out the bad blueberry bushes, you miss all the good things.
And it's a lot easier for us to harp on our mistakes.
but when we do that and only do that we miss kind of relishing in our victories too
that's not going easy on yourself that's looking at the whole picture yeah and what i think i hear
you saying is like holding both right yeah that just only noticing the good blueberry bush doesn't
get rid of the poisonous blueberry bush it's saying like they they both exist in the same space
and kind of reflecting on that within ourselves too.
Like, yes, this is part of who I am.
And this is maybe a piece that I could be better at
or that I need to build a skill around.
And also, also this, this too,
like this good thing, these other things.
So I like that the duality of holding them
both at the same time.
And our brains are capable of that,
but it might take a little practice, right?
And just like anything else.
And it can feel a little uncomfortable
If we are used to being hard on ourselves and we are used to being that seeing the bad blueberry bush all the time, it can feel really, really weird to be like, oh, yes, that is bad.
But also there's this good thing happening too.
What would you say to somebody or do you have any hacks to help that transition be a little bit easier as folks are trying to practice a little bit of self-compassion?
Commitment.
Commitment.
You really have to.
Which is a scary word.
Yes.
Oh, no.
I think to have a fruitful relationship with self-compassion,
you have to be determined to practice it.
Because we're not supposed, like the way that our brains work,
again, we're fighting like some of the most primitive sides of ourselves.
We're not supposed to only think about how sunny the day is
and, you know, how nice the breeze feels.
We're supposed to be prepared for when the breeze gets a little too strong
and now it's a tornado.
where we're supposed to get ready for,
oh, the sun's going to get really hot.
That's more protective than just observing the day.
So you kind of have to fight that side of your brain
and really be disciplined
about incorporating self-compassion
into your self-image.
Yeah, and ways you're kind of working,
I don't want to say working against,
but we always sort of frame it
as working with your biology
instead of like, hey, my brain
is biologically designed to notice all the negative things because that's what keeps me alive.
And also it's like opening up the perspective a little bit. If we're doing a lot of metaphors
today, sorry, besties, it's high metaphor day. But if we think about a horse with blinders,
right? If I am focused on this piece and this piece only, which might be our negativity bias
or the way those negative perceptions of ourselves, opening up and self-compassion is just doing this
so we can see the whole context,
that it's not just the things that are in front of me,
but also there's this whole perspective around
that just enriches our lives,
doesn't get rid of the reality,
but it enriches our experience
so that it can be the yes and.
It can be all the things at once.
And it really is the yes and.
It's not toxic.
We're not promoting toxic positivity
where like you only,
if you're being self-compassionate,
you only say the good things about yourself, right?
And that would be really letting yourself off the hook.
self-compassion is the duality, the yes and, the holding both things at once and being okay with it,
which is hard. It's very hard. I think, like if I think about personal examples
with these kinds of situations, when you are, we often get in our head that saying the hard
thing to ourselves or being like, you're failing or that grade was terrible or, and it's just then
becomes part of an identity of us or how we are failing. It is being able to say like, okay,
I messed this one up and this is a learning opportunity. Like how can I get better from this?
Or like this is something that's hard for me and there's opportunities here. It's just kind of
opening that up again. Yeah. I do want to, you said that failure becomes part of our identities.
and I think that is a very relatable
because we live in a society
where success is measured in certain ways, right?
I'm supposed to have this fancy car.
I'm supposed to have this nice house.
I'm supposed to have a great career.
And if that doesn't happen
when we think it's supposed to happen,
where it's supposed to happen,
then that failure becomes really easy to like glom onto
and be like, I'm just like, I messed up.
I'm never going to get the things.
I'm never going to find the things.
what is happening in our brains when we get stuck on being harsh to ourselves?
And why is it so hard to fight that?
I think that there is this gap.
And Ben and I were talking a little bit about this yesterday.
But I think sometimes there's this gap in what we personally deem as success
and what our culture has defined as success.
and when my value if I deeply value relationships connection to nature my family and then society is
telling me yeah that's nice but success is when you're working 50 hours a week and when you're
driving this car and when you have this big of a house and when you have all these accomplishments
and titles then that comes into there's like friction in that it comes into conflict with
well for me like success is actually getting more time with my family and being able to have the
flexibility to travel where I want to travel and to see new things and spend as much time in nature
as possible. Well, the way our society has built that, they come in direct conflict with each other.
And so it is easy then to, when we look at that through this lens of self-compassion, to
internally be like, what's wrong with me? Like, I'm not achieving these things. Or why is this
not enough for me or why am I not successful by what society deems as successful?
And so I think that maybe, I mean, that's just one of my thoughts.
Maybe one of the elements is like expectations and how we are fitting into the greater scheme
of things.
Yeah.
That's something we see across all industries.
We have the pleasure of speaking to people from all walks of life.
And something that we see often is that I'm not good enough.
I'm not doing enough.
I'm not enough.
So much so we had a whole podcast episode on it.
We did.
We did.
We sure did.
But if, as we wrap up here, what would you say?
What are your hacks?
I love a hack, right?
I love a tip.
What are those things that you would say to those people that think they're not enough,
that they don't deserve self-compassion, or that self-compassion is really just being
lazy and letting themselves off the hook?
Let me have your tips.
First, always remember how you would speak to someone you love dearly that is saying the same thing.
That's kind of been something I've leaned on a lot for myself as someone who still really struggles with self-compassion sometimes.
You mentioned society, Bailey, and I do think it's important to keep in mind that our brains are built for surviving on earth,
but they're not built for surviving in this world.
So there are going to be times where your brain,
as sophisticated as the brain is,
it does look at things simply as life or death in a lot of instances.
So when you get into the anxious spiral,
or if you have something else that defines like a spiral,
a depressive spiral, where you're really being mean to yourself,
understand that you're kind of operating in the programming of a brain
that's meant to just warn you about how bad things are going to get.
So if you can separate your self-image from that,
that's what took me a lot of practice,
sort of separating myself from my most impulsive,
primitive thoughts of self-disparagement.
Once you kind of learn to operate in the other path of like,
no, I'm a person who's a part of civilized society.
It's not everything's life or death.
If I have test-taking anxiety, it's okay that I'm picking up the pencil.
You know, that makes it easier to sort of tone down the harshness of the inner self-critic.
I really love that.
Our brains are made to survive on this earth, but not in this world.
I love that.
Our brains are meant to keep us alive.
And they're really good at doing that.
And sometimes that means we are way harsher with ourselves than we really need to be.
And then that's the default.
Like, I think there is also, and we had discussed this a little bit, but like there is that the compound interest that happens when we're like, when we start being self-critical and they're like, well, why am I so hard on myself?
Why can I just be kind?
Why can I like, and then that just compounds and then we're adding shame and guilt onto the fact that we are already having shame and guilt.
And then there's all these things, right?
And then that creates this bigger situation.
But I think that for me, and I say this in a lot of different aspects, but it's a practice of validation. Validating, okay, this is my brain's default. This is completely natural and normal. A, that I would be feeling anxiety with a test. That I would be then worrying about how I'm going to perform and how that reflects back on me. That's normal.
And the practice piece that I keep hearing you say, Ben, is widening that scope because our brains will travel down the easiest path.
And if the easiest path is safety and survival, then we have to practice, practice, practice to work that muscle of adding more complexity to that.
adding like yes it's survival and i'm i'm part of myself and i can also find gentler ways to be and
i also deserve compassion and of course i'm feeling this way right now and adding that
additional layer to it i think highlights the separation of the brain and the mind yeah
i love that i love that our brains are keeping us alive and what they do is not necessarily who we are.
Yes.
The mind is everything else.
Yeah.
I love that.
This was such a great conversation, you guys.
I am so excited for the next practice, Besties.
The next episode, intern Ben's going to lead us through a practice where we can flex those
self-compassion muscles.
We will see you in the next episode.
Be well, Besties.