The Words We Speak

Divorce can be a difficult transition for adults and children alike.  Children are impacted by divorce in a multitude of ways – both logistically and emotionally.  Logistically, there are now two houses, two sets of rules/expectations, new traditions, different bedroom/personal items, new schedules/routines. Emotionally, children of divorce may experience feelings of grief/loss, worry, guilt, abandonment, anger, and sadness.  These emotions can manifest in behavioral changes such as sleep disturbances, changes in eating patterns, defiance, aggression, regressive behaviors, withdrawal, academic concerns, and/or increases in need for attention.

Early & Open Communication:

The unknown is often perceived as scary – especially for children – leading to feelings of abandonment, loss, fear, and worry.  Age-appropriate communication can set expectations, avoid confusion, communicate logistics, and prepare children for upcoming transitions.  Communicating the who, what, when, and where for children helps them navigate their new environments and routines with confidence while limiting the unknown. Be clear and concise, factual while  keeping the topics and details age-appropriate.

Acknowledgement and Reassurance:

The emotional mindset of children throughout this transition need to be acknowledged and reassured.  Children often feel compelled to “take sides” – leading to guilt, confusion, worry, and feelings of “being torn” or “in the middle.”  Creating a safe space with a trusted adult can provide children with support, coping mechanisms, and healthy perspectives on handling the stressors associated with separation/divorce. Open dialogue, non-judgmental language, and validation of emotional difficulty provides children an outlet for their thoughts and feelings. Throughout the initial stages of separation/divorce, reminding children consistently that this transition is not their fault and both parents love them as well as want what’s best for them – defusing guilt, worry, and instilling confidence.

Coparenting Considerations:

Consistency within routines and expectations are an important part of co-parenting with your child’s emotional needs in mind.  Consistency translates to safety and security.  When possible, household expectations, rules, traditions, and routines should be kept at both homes to create predictability for your child.

Effective communication between co-parents will assist in creating a stable environment for your child.  Even when it’s difficult, always use respectful, kind, and non-critical language when discussing your child’s other parent and any significant others that parent may have.  Placing blame for the transition or circumstances on the other parent creates a sense of division of loyalty, confusion, and guilt on a child.

Respect and kindness is the name of the game here – when the other parent is around and when they are not.  A good rule of thumb is to remember – How you talk about their parent is a direct correlation  to how they see themselves. Shielding your child from adult topics/discussions is a loving and protective gesture.  Children should not be challenged with exchanging messages between adults, mediating conflicts, or navigating concerns between caregivers.

In moderate to high conflict co-parenting situations, continue to use non-judgmental language in the presence of your child and with the other parent.  Utilizing the BIFF method can be a helpful tool when communicating with your co-parent. BIFF – Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.  Staying on topic and being brief sets a communication expectation and boundary.  Discussions should focus only on the necessary topics (health, needs, and schedule of the child).  Tip: Focus on the business of your child. Past issues, name-calling, blaming are not effective or appropriate at any stage of this transition. If you find yourself on the receiving end, calmly end the conversation.

It is crucial for caregivers to prioritize the child’s emotional well-being through the process of separation, divorce, and beyond.  The language surrounding these transitions and moving forward are an integral piece of assisting your child process the emotional load. Be a safe, calm, consistent space for your child’s emotional needs throughout a difficult time of change.