Alone in a Crowd: Understanding Male Loneliness

Someone experiencing loneliness may show up to work, laugh at the right moments, and keep up with their group chat, but inside they may feel completely disconnected. 

For many men, loneliness may not look how we expect. Men may be more vulnerable to loneliness because of strong societal expectations to be strong and mask vulnerability with masculinity. 

The “male loneliness epidemic,” describing the significant rise in social isolation and a decline in close friendships among men, has become a conversation across the country. 

James Hicks, an outpatient clinical provider at Centerstone, says that loneliness isn’t the same as being alone. Plenty of people enjoy time by themselves. Loneliness is about how a person feels. 

“Loneliness is a state of mind in which an individual feels deep, maybe painful, emotions about not having social interaction and engagement,” Hicks says. “Humans need social interactions to help combat negative feelings, fears and thoughts.” 

How loneliness affects mental health 

Loneliness and mental health are closely connected. Depression can make it hard to get out of bed, let alone out of the house. Being cut off from others can stir up anxiety, which can influence a person to pull away even more. 

“This cycle really feeds itself,” Hicks says. “It can start with depression, anxiety or isolation, but once it starts, each piece fuels the others.” 

Without regular human connection, the mind can get sucked into replaying negative thoughts. People may feel shame or guilt or feel like they’re a burden to others. 

Common signs of loneliness include: 

• Social isolation 

• Withdrawal from social activities 

• Increased irritability 

• Immersing oneself in work or a hobby 

• Substance use 

• Suicidal thoughts 

Why men struggle to talk about loneliness 

Many men have friends they fish or watch sports with, but few they would call when something is weighing heavily on their lives. Going deeper means opening up, and for many men, opening up can feel like weakness. 

“Having deep emotions is not ingrained in many men and this trait is hard to acquire after years of masculine training to be strong, handle things on their own and provide for their families,” says Hicks. 

The result of masculine training is a set of unspoken rules: men don’t cry, men don’t talk about feelings, men push through. 

“The problem with this is that men do have feelings, men do cry, and men want to talk about feelings sometimes, but they just don’t,” Hicks says. “It is like playing tug of war in your brain 24/7, trying to decide: Do I talk about this? No. Do I cry? Absolutely not.” 

Not every man feels these expectations the same way. Life experiences shape how societal pressures weigh on someone, but for many men, these messages run deep. 

How someone can work against loneliness 

Hicks explains that deep, meaningful relationships like friendships improve anxiety and depression and reduce isolation. Developing deeper friendships may feel uncomfortable at first, but Hicks says small steps add up. 

While Hicks says that old ideas about what it means to be a man won’t change overnight, he is hopeful. Changes can start when men see they aren’t the only ones who want closer friendships. Some suggestions Hicks has for men wanting to combat loneliness are: 

Share something small. Mention a feeling or a moment that mattered to you to someone. It doesn’t have to be a big conversation. 

Join something and stick with it. A club, team, class or volunteer group gives someone a regular reason to see people. 

Look for two-way friendships. Seek out people who listen to you and whom you want to listen to. 

For people wanting to support a man experiencing loneliness, Hicks suggests: 

Listen without fixing. “Remember, men are fixers,” Hicks says. Practice hearing someone out without jumping to solutions. 

Offer encouragement. Checking in on a friend or saying something honest and kind can open the door for both of you. 

“We can promote small things that help men see that other men want to connect, want to be open and honest, and really do want to share their feelings,” Hicks says. “It’s just getting the door cracked open to see this first.” 

To learn more about the counseling and behavioral health services available at Centerstone, visit our website or contact a location near you by calling 877-HOPE123 (877-467-3123).  If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, call 9-8-8.