Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries can feel really difficult, especially when you’re worried about letting people down or coming across as mean spirited. But the truth is, communicating your needs isn’t selfish – it’s actually one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Whether it’s turning down plans when you’re too tired or asking for space when you need a break, boundaries help you protect your time, energy, and general well-being.

First, let’s define what a boundary is. Boundaries are limits, needs, or rules that you set for yourself to protect your emotional and psychological well-being. By doing this, you are defining what you find acceptable in your relationships and interactions with others. “Boundaries are important because they can help protect you from feeling overwhelmed and burned out and can also serve as a way to protect your emotional well-being,” says Lauren Pigg, Therapist at Centerstone. By doing this, you are doing your part to keep your relationships healthy.

A lack of boundaries can lead to tension and even exhaustion. For example, imagine you are frequently asked to come in to work outside of your set schedule. If you continually agree to go outside the bounds of your job role and expectations and, put the needs of others above your own for the sake of making them happy, it’s likely that you will quickly feel depleted. This sensation can also be referred to as compassion fatigue. “Essentially, compassion fatigue is empathy overload and can result in emotional and physical exhaustion that comes from consistently caring for others without receiving anything in return,” adds Pigg.

Setting firm boundaries can be intimidating and may even come with feelings of guilt. As you grew up, you may not have been taught to set boundaries for yourself, making them feel daunting as an adult. Some families and cultures put a higher emphasis on the needs of others before looking after yourself. Although feelings of guilt are a common response to boundary-setting, there are ways to work through it. To start, remind yourself why you’re setting the boundary in the first place and remember that doing what is best for you is not selfish. Additionally, practice saying “no” kindly and keep in mind that it is possible to be firm and respectful at the same time. Finally, start small by setting a low-stakes boundary such as saying no to a small request or turning off your phone for an hour to practice uninterrupted self-care.

When it comes time to actually set your boundaries, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. Take time to write down what you want to say so you’re clear about your needs and the reason behind them. When you communicate the boundary, use “I” statements, be assertive, and speak with kindness and firmness. Once you’ve said it out loud, stick to it and stay consistent. If you waver, others may not take your boundaries seriously.

As you navigate this journey, keep in mind that the art of setting firm boundaries can take time to master and won’t happen overnight. If you find it challenging, don’t give up – just remember what you learned from the experience, and try again. If you are experiencing overwhelming stress or guilt when it comes to setting boundaries, Centerstone can support you. Less stress starts here.