Understanding Domestic Violence: Types, Warning Signs, and How to Help

A common misconception about domestic violence is that it only happens behind closed doors. The truth is, it happens in every community, in every type of relationship, and it doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. It can come in many forms and is rooted in one thing: power and control. Understanding what it looks like, why it happens, and how to help someone you love is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

What is domestic violence?

It is a pattern of power and control. The abuser controls the victim through a series of intentional choices, not just isolated incidents. Types of abuse include:

• Physical – an intentional act of force intended to cause bodily harm or pain.
• Sexual – coercing the victim into sexual acts they are not comfortable with, sabotaging birth control, etc.
• Emotional/Psychological – The most common type of abuse, this can include name calling, isolation, and putting down. This may also look like slowly convincing the victim they can’t live or be independent without the abuser. Victims often gradually lose their sense of identity outside the relationship.
• Technological – monitoring, controlling, or tracking the victim and their communication.
• Financial – discouraging the victim from working, destroying their credit, ensuring only the abuser has direct access to money, etc.

Is it always obvious?

Not always, especially when the abuse isn’t physical. Victims may not even realize it’s domestic violence if they aren’t physically being harmed.

What are the root causes of abusive behavior?

“There isn’t one single answer, but most often, it has a lot to do with how they were raised and what their home was like growing up,” says Mary Jones, Community Manager at Centerstone. The best representation of what it means to be a family and show love is your own family growing up. Therefore, witnessing abuse as children normalizes it for them and may give them warped ideas about what relationships and love are.

Warning signs for loved ones

If the abuse isn’t physical, picking up on subtle signs is key. Things like constant check-ins, their partner showing up uninvited, needing to ask permission to do things, and the abuser constantly needing to know where the victim is or anything else that indicates there is no trust in the relationship are all red flags to look out for.

What to do if you suspect someone is a victim

“Tread lightly,” says Jones, “leaving is a process.” Understand that the victim will likely always have some emotional pull to their abuser, so it’s important to extend a hand to them, letting them know that you are there for them and that resources are available for help when they’re ready. It’s important to accept the fact that they may still be in denial or aren’t ready to take the leap yet – just being there for them is the first step.

It’s important not to give up or walk away from them even when it’s frustrating. After repeated attempts to offer help or resources, it can feel frustrating and like you aren’t getting through to the victim. However, abandoning them will only give their abuser more power as they are more powerful when the victim is isolated. So, it’s important to stick by your loved one through the process, even if they aren’t ready to accept help or take that leap.

Helping keep them safe

Since leaving an abusive relationship can be a long process and may even be dangerous, you can do your part to offer safety to the victim. You can do this by:

• Offering to build a safety plan together
• Helping secure important documents or special items for them
• Encourage them to keep a bag packed or tuck the essentials away in an easy to access location should they need to move quickly
• Agree on a code word. If they say or send it to you, you know this means that you should initiate step one of your agreed upon safety plan.

One final note

If someone tells you they are being abused – believe them. Perpetrators are skilled at seeming like good people when they’re in public; but behind closed doors is another story.

To get connected to domestic violence services in your area or to connect with someone who can help, check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline by visiting their website or by calling the hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233). For residents of Missouri, Southwest Kansas, and Northeast Oklahoma, click here to learn more about services offered at Centerstone. We also offer in-person and virtual trainings covering topics including DV101, healthy relationships, and ways to help. Victims in all 50 states can call our 24/7 free and confidential hotline at (636) 224-1850 where our trained team members can connect you with resources wherever you are.